Bed Bugs...or something.

Last night I was abruptly awoken by a tickle in my ear. I wiped at my ear and was immediately assaulted with a crackling noise. It sounded like there was a little elf sitting in my ear eating Rice Crispies. Or maybe Pop Rocks.Yeah, it was totally Pop Rocks.

All other sound was lost except for the damn crackling and popping noises.


Then it went away. So I lay back down with my ear pressed against the pillow and it started again, only this time the tickling came back. I sat up in bed and screamed.

Boyfriend sat bolt upright in bed and started looking around like he was lost. I laughed at him. Then he said, “What.The.Fuck?”

I said, “There is a freakin’ spider in my ear laying eggs, you need to get it out.”

Like the good man that he is, he got up and turned on the light. He looked inside my ear and said, “It’s not a spider, it’s an egg-laying bed bug.”

Naturally, I screamed again and then he started laughing. I punched him in the arm and was all, “What in the hell is in my freakin’ ear?”

Turns out there wasn’t anything in my ear. Well, nothing a q-tip could get out, anyway. But I was still convinced that there was a bug burrowing into my brain. I laid wake most of the night listening to the little shit making a new home in my ear wax. And the tickling! It was driving me insane. Finally, I made Boyfriend get up again and put ear drops that were actually only water into my ear. It seemed logical. Just drown the bug, right?

Wrong. So very, very wrong. It made things worse. It wasn’t a good idea at all. The crackling then turned into more of a louder gurgling sound.

So I resorted to experts. I Googled it. Boyfriend was all, “Don’t Google it. You will just freak yourself out.” And I maturely said, “Nu uh,” and went about my business.

I figured out that I either had a perforated ear drum, fluid buildup that can be associated with colds, Eustachian tube dysfunction, or sinus drainage. I picked perforated ear drum. I was all, “Oh my God, I have a hole or rupture in my ear drum. I’m going to die.”

Boyfriend said I wouldn’t die of a perforated ear drum though and he gave me the I-told-you-so eyes. I only hope he knows what he’s talking about.

Anyways, I fought with my ear all night long and when it would finally chill out long enough for me to fall asleep; I would have dreams about bugs nesting inside my ear canal. I blame this post on lack of sleep. And spiders.



*Shiver*

 When I got out of bed this morning, it was gone. I still don’t know what it was.