Don't make me miss lunch

So a good friend of mine just recently got a new job which just HAPPENS to be next door to my office. We keep trying to get together and go to lunch, but he’s a real estate agent (no I haven’t told him about the phone calls) and out of the office a lot so it’s been difficult trying to get together.


Here is our last text conversation:

Him: Hey, white rain (he calls me white rain and I have no idea why), let’s go to lunch today.

Me: Ok, what time?

Him: Like 2?

Me: 2:00?? I will flippin starve by then. I was thinking more like 11:00. Noon at the latest.

Him: I won’t be in the office until around 2.

Me: Well, we will have to try again another day.

Him: Dammit. What if I bring you some cookies…will you wait til two then?

Me: Hmmm….

Him: Cookies with icing in the middle?

Me: Deal.

Drops me off cookies before he leaves

Yummy. (not the actual cookies, but similar)

 ....and then at 2:00…

Him: Can’t make it, still showing a house.

Me: You son of a bitch.

Him: Don’t hate me. We’ll go tomorrow.

Me: I will have died by then of malnutrition. You can come to my funeral tomorrow.

Him: If you died today, your funeral wouldn’t be tomorrow.

Me: Yes it would. I have the right to a speedy funeral.

Him: I think that’s speedy trial.

Me: Fine, I’ll take you to court for neglecting me. You can get in trouble for that, ya know?

Him: Only if I’m your guardian.

Me: I can create fake documents that will say I’m underage and that you are my legal guardian. Then I’ll tell everyone that you don’t feed me.

Him: I’ll pay for lunch tomorrow.

Me: Ok. Have a good day and I hope you find a buyer!



So I’ve come to the conclusion that people can get away with a lot of things if they bribe me with food

Caller's Revenge Part 2

The crazies have gotten a hold of my cell phone number. If you need caught up on my weird phone conversations, you can go here. 

(By the way...welcome to my new followers!!)

They seem to follow me around and last night was a perfect example. Around 11:30, after I had already been asleep for a while, I get the following phone call.

Me: This better be important.

Female Caller: Dude, I'm calling from Brax (?) and two of our people are missing and your phone number is written on my table. Do you know where they are?

Me: What? Where are you calling from?

Caller: Brax. Dude, do you know where these people are? John Smith and Jane Smith?

Me: I don't know what you are talking about.

Caller: Your phone number is written on the table, dude. In big bold writing and says Jack above it.

Me: Do I sound like a Jack? And stop calling me dude.

Caller: I'm sorry to bother you.

So then I went back to sleep. About an hour later, I get another phone call from a different number. I answer it and this time it was a male caller.

Caller: Can you please tell me where my friends are? We woke up and they are missing.

Me: I have no clue what you are talking about.

Caller: Just tell me where Jane and John are.

Me: I wish I could so that you guys would stop calling me.

Caller: Your phone number is written on a pizza box that was sitting on our table. Why would your phone number be there if they aren't with you?

Me: I wish I knew.

Caller: Well if you're going to get an attitude, I'll let you go back to sleep.

I hung up. Then at about 4:00 pm today...I get yet another call from the same guy.

Caller: Who is this?

Me: Once again, I do not have your friends, I don't know where they are, and I think maybe you should call the police if they are still missing.

Caller: Your phone number is written on our table!!

Me: Yeah, I get that and I'm just as confused as you are, but I promise that no matter how many times you call, I still won't know who or where Jane and John are.

Caller: If you see them, please tell them to call us.

Me:*facepalm*

I have yet to hear back from them, but I'm just waiting on the police to call and ask me where these people are.

Caller's Revenge

Most of you have read some of my phone conversations at work. Well, yesterday, I believe karma came back around and bit me on the ass.


Me: Blah Blah Coal Company. How may I help you?

Caller: Is this Blah Blah Coal Company?

Me: Why yes, yes it is.

Caller: Well, I’ll have you know that you guys are a bunch of thieves.

Me: Oh yeah? What did we steal?

Caller: You stole my grandfather’s land and his money.

Me: *sighs* We don’t steal land. Or money, sir.

Caller: I know you did. And you buried him. And after you buried him, you stuck drugs up his ass.

Me: Drugs up his ass? We have drugs? Wait, is this a joke?

Caller: No it is not a joke. I also believe that you are hiding gold and diamonds that are rightfully mine.

Me: What is your name sir?

Caller: John Smith. My grandfather was Jim Smith.

Me: Ah, yes, Jim Smith. He sold his land to our company a long time ago.

Caller: He didn’t sell it. You stole it.

Me: Um, I don’t think so.

Caller: You know, I really hope you know that the entire coal industry is going to Hell. The Bible says 'You shall not steal; you shall not deal falsely; you shall not lie to one another.' (totally had to look that up to get it word for word) You guys are a bunch of thieves. Have you made friends with God?

Me: Are you threatening me?

Caller: I wouldn’t waste my time on trash like you.

Me: Ok, then don’t call here anymore.

Caller: Can I have the number to your corporate office?

Me: You may not.

Caller: I’ll find it with or without your help.

Me: Without.

Caller: How much do you get paid?

Me: That’s not really your business.

Caller: I bet you have so much money you don’t know what to do with it. They steal from people like me and give to people like you.

Me: {Laughing}

Caller: It’s not funny.

Me: Seriously. Is this a joke? Are you from the real estate company?

Caller: Can I get directions to your office?

Then I hung up. He was getting a little too weird for me. Seriously guys, I can’t make this stuff up. He called back like three times, but I just let it ring. He didn't leave any messages.

Oh, Samantha.

I had another interesting phone conversation yesterday that I thought I'd share with you guys.

Operator: Would you like to accept a collect call from Samantha from the State Penitentiary?

As much as I didn't want to, I hung up. I figured taking a collect call from prison might get me into trouble, and I can promise you that I know no one by the name of Samantha. I stared at the phone for minute, really wishing I could have answered it, but then went about my business.

Five minutes later, the call comes in again.

It was fate, obviously, so I said yes.

Samantha: Hello?

Me: Samantha! What did you do now? I have told you time and time again that you cannot prostitute yourself in this state.

Samantha: Who is this? Where is Mom?

Me: What do you mean? I am your mother.

Samantha: No.

Me: Oh my God. You are on drugs, aren't you. I knew it.

Samantha: I think I have the wrong number.

Me: That's not funny.

Samantha: I'm sorry, but I don't know you.

Me: That's a really stupid way to try to get out of trouble, Samantha. I am not bailing you out this time. I'm done.

Samantha: No, there is some sort of mix up.

Me: You really think I'm going to buy that?

Click.

That was fun.


Trivia time!!! Kind of an easy music question.

What rock star was trying to bite the head off a bat in concert when the bat decided to bite back?

First to answers correctly chooses who goes on the Giggle Button this week!

A Loft

While laying in bed last night, Boyfriend and I were trying to go to sleep but both of us were a little too hyper so we ended up goofing off and acting silly. I started singing something and for some reason, Boyfriend very randomly said, “Aloft.”


Me: What? Like the ceiling?

BF: No, like in a house. A loft.

Me: Like you sleep in?

BF: You can sleep in it if you want to.

Me: If we don’t sleep in the loft, where do we sleep? In the bathroom?

BF: No, there is a master bedroom on the first floor.

Me: Oh, so what’s the point in having a loft?

BF: To store stuff in.

Me: We have a garage.

BF: No, not like that. We can store skis in it.

Me: We don’t ski.

BF: Just for decorations.

Me: Do we even have friends that ski?

BF: Yes, Jack and Jill ski.

Me: Oh, so we’ll put out the skis when they come over to impress them.

BF: Something like that.

Me: So what if John and Jane come over? What should we decorate with?

BF: Something religious.

Me: Got it. A giant cross.

BF: Yes, but we can’t burn it like Madonna.

Me: What?

BF: You’ve never seen the video of Madonna burning the cross?

Me: No.

BF: Yeah, she did. And then after that she turned British.

Me: .....

BF: She just started talking in a British accent. Don’t ask me.

Me: You love Madonna.

BF: I.DO.NOT.

.....

BF: Hey, we should steal your dad’s house and put a hot tub on the deck.

Me: Other houses have decks, love. Let’s steal someone else’s. Dad would be mad at me.

Feeling a little guilty

I'm impatient and grew tired of waiting for Wee Bits. And I have a story to share with you Mashers.

At my job, I have the wonderful responsibility of answering the telephone. We don't get a whole lot of calls and about 65% of them are wrong numbers.

Not me, but my house phone looks exactly like that

When I first started working here, it was just annoying. Then, some of my co-workers talked me into messing with the people that called in. So I did and I started having fun with it.

Where I work there is a square of buildings. A doctor's office, a real estate office, a restaurant, and us. All of the phone numbers are only a couple digits different from the others. Often, I get calls like this...

"Hi, I'm John Smith and I was calling for the results of my colonoscopy."

I swear to you that I do not mess with the patients. I do have some respect. I used to cut them off before they told me their entire medical histories, but now I just listen until they are done and then say, "Sorry, you have the wrong number."

But when I get calls like, "I'd like to place an order to go." I take their orders, tell them a fake price and wish them a happy day. Mean? Yeah, I know. But seriously, I answer the phone by saying the company name. And I've learned to enunciate and speak loudly. They still don't get it. And sadly, a lot of them are repeat offenders.

I also get calls like, "Hi, I am calling about the condo you have advertised. I was wondering when I could come look at it."

I then get out my fake planner.

Me: Let's see, I have an opening on the 12th at 11:00.

Them: Oh the 12th isn't good for us, how about the day after?

Me: Let's see, I am free between 1:00 and 1:10 that day.

Them: Won't it take longer to view the house?

Me: Not if we walk fast.

Them: Ok, I guess that will do.

The funny thing is, no one has ever called me asking why I gave people wrong information and what not. All they would have to do is ask the customer where they called in the first place. I mean, I'd lie my butt off and say I have no clue what they are talking about, but still.

Anyways, why am I just now feeling guilty? I got a caller today that was a little out of the norm.

Me: Blah Blah Coal Company, how can I help you?

Her: Yes, I need a cab from the Detriot Airport.

Me: You need what?

Her: A cab.

Me: A taxi cab?

Her: *Sighs* Yes.

Me: Ok, where do you need dropped off?

Her: {I have no clue what area she said, because well, I know nothing about Detriot.}

Me: I'll send a driver over right away.

I work for a COAL company. In West Virginia.

Yeah...that was about two hours ago. I wonder if she is still waiting?

P.S.  Seriously...I'm not a mean person. I get bored and I'm easily amused.

Coyotes may or may not eat my heart

Upon driving through treacherous weather conditions the other day, I came home to realize that the only one that cared if I made it home safely was my dog, Bowen. I don’t think he actually knew the roads were bad, but he was COMPLETELY thrilled to see me. (Ok, maybe he is every day, but that doesn’t matter. Shut up.)


So I texted Boyfriend and said, “I made it home. Don’t worry.”

His response? “I wasn’t worried.”

Me: Well thanks a billion.

BF: I trust your driving skills.

Me: Bullshit. I could have been stuck in a ditch somewhere and no one would have ever known. Except Bowen and he can’t even call anybody to let them know I’m missing.

BF: Don’t be silly, I would know if you were missing.

Me: It would be too late then.

We left it at that, and when he got home, we sat down for some tomato soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. Then he brought the subject up again.

BF: Seriously, honey, I do worry about you. I figured if something happened, you would call.

Me: How would I call if I got into a car wreck and died? Or worse, got hurt really bad or became paralyzed? Or lost an arm, a leg, or even both legs and both arms?

BF: You would rather die?

Me: Of course. I value my life, but I do not want to be paralyzed. But with my luck, I’d end up with third degree burns all over my body, paralyzed, or I’ll have smashed my brain and they will have had to do brain surgery on me and my hair would never grow back and I would have a huge scar across my forehead forever. I will be shown no mercy.

BF: ....

Me: Not that I’m vain. I could live with the scar and I could buy a wig. Holy crap, what if I wreck and no one finds me and then coyotes break into my car and eat my heart because I’m trapped under the steering wheel. I would be eaten alive before anyone would even know I was missing.

BF: Coyotes won’t break into your car and eat your heart.

Me: You don’t know.

BF: You’re right, I don’t.

Me: And if I get in a wreck because of the freakin’ snow, I want you to kill it.

BF: Kill the snow?

Me: Yes.

BF: Alright, I will kill the snow.

Me: Thank you. That’s all I ask.

Cold Weather Makes Me Crazy

Late post today, eh? I had a bit of an emergency at work and ended up working in another office today...in another state and without my own computer. So I couldn't even check my work email let alone blog. But I'm home now, so here ya go:)

Wanna know how I know that Boyfriend and I are made for each other? Because of conversations like this and this. I know some of you find these pretty funny, so let me bring you the latest, and most likely the weirdest to date.

We had just gone to bed and even though our furnace is right beside the bedroom, the bedroom is the only room in the house that stays ice cold. We crawled into bed and shivering me curled up next to Boyfriend and I said, “Ugh, I wanna crawl inside you.”

Boyfriend: Ew. That’s weird. Like an possum crawls into a cow carcass?

Me: Um, I was thinking more like a joey crawls into a kangaroo pouch. Do possums really crawl into dead cows?

Boyfriend: Yeah, they like that kind of thing. We couldn’t be kangaroos. That would mean that I would be way older than you. And your mother.

Me: I said like kangaroos. Not really kangaroos.

Boyfriend: I can’t box either. I’d be a terrible kangaroo.

Me: I just wanted to get warm; we aren’t really going to be kangaroos.

Boyfriend: Wouldn’t that be fucking awesome if kangaroos had wings?

Me: {Offers a what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you look}

Boyfriend: Seriously, they would fly around and kick all the birds’ asses.

Me: Why not just give birds some arms?

Boyfriend: One arm.

Me: One Hulk Hogan arm.

Boyfriend: That would be so cool. We should be birds.

Me: If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.

Boyfriend: Ugh, I hate that movie (The Notebook). Let’s just be kangaroos.

Then we went to sleep and I swear to you I had a dream that I was locked in an insane asylum. I was trying to prove to them that I wasn’t crazy and that they had to let me out, but every time I’d have a therapy session I would do something crazy like sing Eminem songs at the top of my lungs. Seriously, I can’t make this shit up.

And then this morning we had this conversation.

Me: So what do you wanna do tonight after work?

Boyfriend: Oh, you know what I wanna do. {Raises eyebrows}

Me: Play Rock Band?

Boyfriend: If you don’t mind.

Me: I get the wireless guitar.

Boyfriend: Deal.


Ready for trivia?! Who played Batman in the film 'Batman Forever'?
First to answer chooses who goes on the Giggle Button for the week. Winner will be announced on Thursday.

It really was a nice necklace

My niece is such a hoot. This girl is six years old and is smarter than I am sometimes. She kicks my butt at Super Mario and yells at me when I say a curse word. She once told me, “You know you will go to Hell for saying words like that.” I was baffled.

Yesterday she came by to visit me at work and bring me lunch. (Her mother brought her of course. 6 year olds can’t drive.) We were sitting there eating and I commented on how much I liked her necklace. Here is how the conversation went.

Me: I love that necklace. It’s so pretty.

Niece: Thanks. Everyone at school likes it, too. My friend asked me if she could have it.

Me: I take it that you said no.

Niece: Well, I felt bad for saying no, so I told her that it was my step sister’s necklace.

Me: You don’t have a step sister.

Niece: I know. But I told her that I couldn’t give it away because my step sister was in the hospital and she was dying.

Me: {chokes back laughter} Why didn’t you just tell her no?

Niece: That would be mean.

Me: Lying isn’t very nice, either.

Niece: Yeah, well at least I still have my necklace.

I looked at her mom and we both broke out into a fit of laughter. My niece just sat there and looked at us like we were stupid for not grasping the whole concept.

Then when I got home from work I found that Boyfriend had bought me these...

It was a good day.

Man Purse

Boyfriend asked me where his flash drive was yesterday. I told him it was in my purse and he huffed and puffed and went digging through the “great black hole.” (His words, not mine.) He finally found it and then demanded that I clean out my purse because he doesn’t “see how I can find a damn thing in that suitcase.” And I said, “Well you obviously found your flash drive, so it can’t be that hard. And I can find everything just fine.” Then he said, “I saw like five things in there that were mine. Please clean it out and give me my stuff back.”


So I pouted a little and finally broke down and started going through my purse. I found some interesting items.

1 bottle of Excedrin Migraine
1 bottle of very good pain pills (left over from surgery)
1 bottle of Vitamin B tabs
1 bottle of Dramamine (for that motion sickness I was telling ya’ll about)
1 empty wallet
1 empty wristlet
1 Pokemon walker (totally his, I don’t even know how it got in there)
1 empty cigarette pack
1 IPhone charger (his, I don’t even have an IPhone )
1 Nook charger
1 Copy of our newly signed lease
3 empty packs of birth control
4 Unpaid bills
4 tubes of chapstick
6 lighters
134,234 (approximately of course) crumbled up receipts

This doesn’t even include the necessities that were in there, like a full pack of cigarettes, check book, occupied wallet, lip gloss, car keys, etc. But since at least two of the things in my purse were his, I told him he was the reason my purse was so junked up and that I absolutely needed every single thing that was in there. He didn’t buy it, but who cares. It’s my purse and I’ll trash it if I want to. Then he went on to say, “I don’t understand why you spend hundreds of dollars on purses just to put a bunch of trash in them.” and I said, “I don’t understand how guys don’t carry purses. I’m getting you a man purse for Christmas.” His eyes got really big and he said, “You.Will.Not.” I so am. But he can’t carry it while I’m with him, because that would just be embarrassing.

 
DON'T FORGET! I have a very important question to ask you!

In the movie The Big Lebowski, what is the main character's favorite drink?

Whoever answers first will get to choose who goes on the Giggle Button on Thursday. Winner will be congratulated Thursday along with the poll results.

Game on ;)

It's a simple concept, really.

After finding out that someone wanted to move into Boyfriend's apartment TODAY...I spent all day yesterday moving his stuff by myself because he had to work. When he got home, this is the conversation we had.

Boyfriend: I can't believe you got everything done by yourself.

Me: I'm a freakin' rock star.

Boyfriend: You are an energy drink?

Me: No, it means I'm awesome. Like they say on Grey's Anatomy ALL.THE.TIME. Duh.

Boyfriend: That makes no sense, rock stars aren't awesome and they can hire people to move their stuff.

Me: Rock stars ARE awesome.

Boyfriend: No, they do drugs and have STD's.

Me: No.They.Don't.

Boyfriend: Yeah, and rock stars don't do nice things for their Boyfriends.

Me: Rock stars don't have Boyfriends.

Boyfriend: It's a good thing you aren't a rock star, then.

Me: I am a freakin' rock star. Say I'm a rock star.

Boyfriend: I will not.

Me: I'm going to hit you.

Boyfriend: You can hit me right in the penis and I still won't say that you are a rock star.

Me: {Slaps him on the arm} We don't hit!

Boyfriend: {Looks at his arm, then back at me} Rock stars hit.

Me: {Slaps him again} Told ya I was a rock star.


This conversation went on and on. Like, I asked him to get the comforter out of the closet and he said, "Rock stars don't get cold." And then I asked for  kiss, and he said, "Rock stars don't kiss on the mouth." It was really ridiculous. Then I had to tell him that that rule applies to prostitutes, not rock stars. I got a kiss. That's right...I'm a rock star awesome :)

How's your bikini?

I went to the mall yesterday to get a pedicure because hey, pedicures make me feel pretty. Usually. But of course, I've had a crappy few days and even my pedicure paradise went wrong.

The nice Vietnamese lady that was doing my toe nails looked up at me and said, "Your eyebrow need done. Want me to do them for you?"

I self consciously rubbed my eyebrows and agreed. I really didn't realize they were that bad but it had been a long time since I've had them done.

So after she finished my toe nails she took me to the back room which I now refer to as the Torture Room. She looked at me and shook her head and actually said, "You fuck up your eyebrow. Don't do it no more!"

I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "They not even. You don't do them yourself. You come to me every time."

So I said, "Are you going to do it for free?" And she said, "No. You get charged, but your eyebrow will be pretty."

Because apparently, my eyebrows are hideous. Really...I had no idea. Then she proceeded to give me the most painful waxing I have ever experienced in my life. I don't even know why it was the most painful but it was! It felt like she was throwing fire at my eyes. But apparently...even that waxing wasn't as painful as this.



Or so I hear.

Anyways...after she was finished she told me how beautiful my new eyebrows were but I couldn't see them in the mirror because my eyes were watering so badly. She was so happy though that she fixed my ugly eyebrows that I almost forgave her. BUT then she asked, "So how is your bikini?"

I jumped up from the chair and ran like hell out of the Torture Room. I paid for my wax and pedi and I was gone!

I walked straight to the car after getting weird looks from all the other mall rats and looked in the my rear view mirror. From about two inches above my eyebrows to my eye lids was fire engine red. My skin was even hot to touch. For a moment, I thought my skin was melting...but luckily it was just my imagination.

It took about two hours for the redness to go away and now my eyebrows LOOK. FLIPPIN'. AWESOME!! Worth the pain? Not in a million years, but they are pretty.


P.S. Who in the Hell decided that women should be hairless anyways? Oh right. A man.

Traffic and Waffles

I keep changing the page layout. Forgive me. I get bored.

I have to go to the eye doctor sometime soon because I keep getting massive headaches. Last night, I had yet another one that almost crippled me. I'm fairly sure my eyesight is leaving me. I'm only 24 years old and I'm starting to fall apart.

Last night, I just couldn't take the pain anymore. Every time someone made a sound or turned on a light I thought my head was going to literally explode. Thankfully, it didn't. I finally gave in and took a pain pill. A good one. About an hour later, I fell asleep on the couch and drooled all over the place. Medicine messes with me. Big time. I absolutely cannot take Benadryl because I am convinced it tries to put me to sleep...forever.

I was abruptly awoken to boyfriend slamming the front door because apparently he had a bad day and it was the door's fault. I was relieved to realize that my headache had gone away, but was confronted with another headache. Boyfriend in a bad mood. I tried to be a good girlfriend and listen to him vent, but I kept falling asleep...sitting up.

Boyfriend: What the hell is wrong with you?

Me: Huh? What? No, I hate traffic, too.

Boyfriend: What? I wasn't talking about traffic.

Me: I meant waffles. I hate waffles.

Boyfriend: Waffles? You love waffles.

Me: I use to when I was older.

Boyfriend: I don't even know why I am trying to talk to you.

Me: They are by the stove.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up on the couch again. Boyfriend was playing the 360, and it was nearly midnight.

Me: Did you just get home? You are late!

Boyfriend: {stops playing his game} Seriously?

Me: Well... yeah.

Boyfriend: Are you drunk?

Me: No, why?

Boyfriend: Are you high?

Me: Well, I took a pain pill.

Boyfriend: No more.

Me: Excuse me?

Boyfriend: I had a conversation with you about waffles and traffic and you don't even remember.

Me: {perks up} You made waffles?!!?!?!?

Boyfriend: {shakes his head and ignores me}

Then I ran to kitchen to find absolutely NO waffles. Imagine my disappointment.

Gender Swap

Um, some adult content. I guess?

Sometimes, I really worry about my boyfriend and me. We have some pretty bizarre conversations and sometimes I think we are too close. Like after I had my surgery, he had to stand in the bathroom with me and run water and sing so that I could pee. Weird, but true.

The following conversation proves my point further. (We were playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii, so this was completely out of the blue.)

Me: What would you do if we were given the opportunity to swap bodies for a day?

Boyfriend: Have sex.

Me: What? I don't think I like that. You would be using my body to have sex with someone.

Boyfriend: But if you had my body, we could just have sex with each other.

Me: Oh. Yeah, good idea. I really want to know what it feels like for a guy.

Boyfriend: You wouldn't be disappointed.

Me: So what else?

Boyfriend: Play with my/your boobs.

Me: No you wouldn't.

Boyfriend: Yes. I would.

Me: Do you see a lot of women walking around playing with their own boobs?

Boyfriend: Well, no.

Me: That's because it's not that exciting.

Boyfriend:  Ok, then what would you do?

Me: Pee standing up.

Boyfriend: What?

Me: Yeah, it would be so cool not to have to pull down your pants every time you had to pee.

Boyfriend: Oh, I didn't think about that. Maybe I don't want to be in your body for a day. What if you are on your period that day?

Me: You would probably die of pain.

Boyfriend: You don't think I could handle it?

Me: Nope.

Boyfriend: Oh, I totally could. And I could probably do it without complaining. Do you want to make a bet?

Me: {Stops and looks at him} You do know that we can't actually go through with this right?

Boyfriend: {Makes a really disappointed face. At himself or at the fact that we cannot actually switch bodies? I'll never know.} But if we could, I could totally handle it.

Me: Of course you could, baby. Of course you could. {totally lying}

Facebook is the # 1 cause of conflicts in relationships

Conversation between my boyfriend and I.

Me: I'm mad at you.

BF: Why?

Me: Because I commented on your photo a week ago and you never replied. Your friend commented on it today and within a minute, you replied.

BF: I'm sorry?

Me: I'm never ever going to write anything on your Facebook ever ever again.

BF: Don't do that, baby.

Me: Oh, it's happening! You never write on mine and you never reply.

BF: {Gives me a sad puppy dog face }

Me: Yes, it is very sad.

BF: Wait, I don't know if we are joking or if you are really mad.

Me: I'm kinda mad. Kinda not. It is just Facebook, but that's beside the point.

BF: What's the point?

Me: The point is that when I write I love you on your wall you should at least have the common courtesy to write I love you too.

BF: Okay, I thought this was about a photo comment?

Me: That too.

BF: Baby, I tell you I love you every day and I talk to you all the time in real life. I thought real life was better.

Me: Real life is better, but I don't want to look like a moron that gets ignored by the very boyfriend she brags about all the time.

BF: Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was a big deal.

Me: {Very defensively} It's not a big deal! It's a small deal.

Pause.

Me: You know what, let's just pretend this never happened.

BF: It's a little too late for that.

Me: Nah, I have a time machine, just let me erase these last ten minutes.

BF: I will write on your wall more often if that is what you would like.

Me: No! Because now you are just going to do it because I told you to and not because you want to. It's not the same.

BF: Then what do you want?

Me: I want you to get your ass in this time machine so we can erase this whole conversation.

BF: {laughs} Okay, but again I'm sorry. I didn't know it was an issue.

Me: It's not an issue. It would just be nice of you.

BF: Fair enough.

Me: Good. Now shut the hell up and stop complaining about stupid shit.

BF: Me?

Me: Yup.

BF: I'm complaining?

Me: Well, I'm certainly too mature to start an argument about Facebook, so it must have been you.

BF: I see.

Me: {mumbles} I'm a pain in the ass. I will try to do better.

This is pretty much word for word. After my pain in the ass line, he gave me a hug and then I went back to the computer to type this. Facebook, along with ferrets and revolving doors, is evil.



UPDATE: I now have a wall post that says "I love love love love love love love you girlfriend." Haha. I win.