Monday, April 11, 2011

Here they come to save the day!

My first savior!

When I asked for guest bloggers, ranting was one of the topics I gave as an idea. Amy over at Everyday A did not fail to deliver a rant. A hilarious rant. Please enjoy her guest post and then go check her out. You won’t be disappointed.

An Open Letter to Minivan Owners and Operators

Dear Minivan Owners and Operators,

Why? Why is it always YOU tailgating me in rush hour traffic? Why do you always insist on traveling 5 mph faster than anyone else on the highway? Why do you yammer away on your cell phone simultaneously pushing 80 mph while solar glare is blinding everyone else on the road? Why do you weave in and out of every lane like you are Mario and Donkey Kong is about to shoot a turtle shell at your ass?*

Perhaps you have been lured into a false sense of security by every minivan commercial that touts top of the line safety features. Let me assure you that your reckless driving fully negates ANY safety features your vehicle may or may not have.

I'm not going to lie and lead you to believe that I obey every limit and law as a motorist. Don't think that I won't pass you on the right if you are driving 65 mph in the left lane...because I will. But I always go the speed limit on the Lowell Connector (more out of fear of being pulled over than anything else) and I make a conscious effort to keep my driving habits from pissing anyone off.

Because you are the owner/operator of a minivan I am assuming that you have and/or transport children in your chariot of death. Not only are you risking my life (which I happen to be quite fond of) but you are endangering tiny humans. If nothing else, you are instilling poor driving habits in future generations.

So please, for the sake of everyone (but mostly myself) slow the fuck down...because I promise, if you maim me or my car, this letter will seem like rainbows and sunshine.



*If you are a minivan owner or operator and none of these apply to you then kudos to you and your driving record. Your fenders thank you.


Meg O. said...

OMG. That's hilarious. What a great guest post! I hate minivans with a passion so I am saying "AMEN, SISTAH!"

Danger Boy said...

I think I get my minivan back from the shop this week. For all its touted safety features, the rear axle *BROKE IN HALF*. Factory recall for the win.
As for those weaving in and out of traffic in their minivans, that's why I keep some banana peels handy... "I'm a Wario, I'ma gonna win!" :)
Great rant, Amy!

Oilfield Trash said...


I always see idiots in mini vans speeding past me while I am myself speeding.

SkippyMom said...

Around here 90 percent of the time it is women doing those things. When we drove to NC for summer vacation a few years ago I wrote a post titled "Nascar Minivan Speedway" - I had never seen anything like it. And never want to again. It was ridiculous.

My husband drives our minivan, usually in the right lane, going about 5 miles over [if that] and he says "I might as well being sitting still with all the nuts passing me." And you can forget about signals. HA.

Great rant - I feel your pain.

becca said...

loved this

Anonymous said...

haha love it. Your "chariot of death" lmao! You tell 'em

The Empress said...

Minivans are the scourge of the earth. However, I have yet to encounter one that doesn't drive 20miles per hour below the speed limit in the left hand lane whilst shoveling fast food into their pie hole and blocking the normal flow of traffic. Did I mention I hate minivans? ; )

Bouncin' Barb said...

Well said and this should be posted on TV. So true.

Ms Jenna said...

Amen Sister!

hed said...


I think it's because they are primarily owned by "soccer moms" that are too busy with their 3.5 kids to ever, ever slow down!


Mrs. Hyde said...

As a minivan-driving soccer mom, I apologize and submit this explanation for your approval (or not): 1. There is a part of us that doesn't want to accept the uncool-mom-of-a-zillion kids label that will surely be thrust upon us with one glance at our vehicle. 2. I have so f*cking much to do, that normal speed limits will hinder my efforts. I don't tailgate, though, I swear. I don't want anyone that close to my ass, so I try to extend the same courtesy.

Mynx said...

Change "minivan" for "monster 4x4" and you have our roads.
Those drivers seem to have their own rules

Nicki said...

"Chariot of death" HAHAHHAA. Best. Description. Ever.

On My Soapbox said...

Ha ha! Good one! I get jealous looks from minivan morons pretty much every day (I have a little sportscar). Hey minivan morons, your life choices aren't my fault. Take your misery out on someone else.

Anonymous said...

Other than my ex's dad that mini van stereo type I can't think apply here. Maybe it's because it's the illegals trying not to get caught when they don't know how to drive.

Mostly it's the hot shot beaner cars that do all that crazy stuff.