Monday, April 18, 2011

Top Ten Fictional Characters I'm Desperately Hoping to Go on a Date With

Since I had so many incredible bloggy friends volunteer to Save Jumble Mash, the guest week is going to keep on going this week. And I was sitting here trying to think of an awesome way to introduce Ms. Nicki to you guys, but I think if you read this post you'll know the exact reason why I love her. Please enjoy...I know I did :)


I'm Nicki. I run the Loaded Handbag. I like potatoes, zombie movies, tequila, and you.

There. I'm glad we've met.

I knew exactly what I wanted to write for the Save Jumble Mash Guest Week.

I adore Jumble Mash because this blog is not afraid to let its geek flag fly.

I, too, wanted to let my geek flag fly.

See, the great thing about being a geek girl is that you don't need to fantasize about real men. Real men suck. They really do. They don't have chiseled animated cheekbones or superpowers. And they can't break out into a spontaneous song when the mood strikes them. And talking sea creatures or kitchenware can't join them in four-part harmony and dazzling dance sequences. So really? Real men? Kind of a let-down.

I've always been totally happy in my dating life because I sympathize with real men. They can't fight henchmen or rescue me from a thirty-foot burning building. They don't come with sound effects or catchy theme songs. They can't even pull off spandex.

So I sympathize. And I settle. So none of my boyfriends have been able to rock the masked-caped-crusader look. So none of them have talking animal sidekicks. It's okay. They're only human.

But that doesn't mean a girl can't dream, right?

And I do dream. Oh, LORD, do I dream.

So here, without further ado, are the Top Ten Fictional Characters I'm Desperately Hoping to Go on a Date With.

Just don't tell my boyfriend.

10.) MacGyver.

Quit your judging. He's old, you say. His dates always end up in mortal peril that involve diabolical schemes or explosions.

Ladies. LADIES. Come to your senses. MacGyver is the single greatest date a girl could have. Especially as a wedding date. Your shoe breaks? He'll combine three hors d'oeuvres to form an organic superglue. Your dress rips? He'll use dental floss to weave a brand new dress, dye it with bar garnishes, and then he'll make spanx out of saran wrap and toothpicks so you look three sizes smaller.

9.) The Ewok Commune from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.

No, not like that kind of date. Gross. I just want the entire village to cook me a rustic meal, braid my hair, and then play an integral role in taking down an evil galactic empire. It's like a rustic bed and breakfast/spa run by teddy bears. What's not to love?

8.) Johnny Storm (the Human Torch) from the Fantastic Four.

Again, not THAT kind of date. I'd leave with an intense burning sensation, and I'm not talking about the kind that happens when his body bursts into spontaneous flames while he's giving me a goodnight kiss. I just want to sit together on a flame-resistant faux bear rug and roast marshmallows off of his body. Is that so wrong, internet? IS THAT SO WRONG?

7.) Sean Connery as Professor Jones from Indian Jones and the Last Crusade.

No, this isn't a Bond fetish manifesting many years later.

Okay, maybe it is.

But I really just want to sit down over dinner and have him tell me embarrassing Indiana Jones stories. Like how he used to scream at the sight of earthworms or the time he fell asleep on the toilet.

6.) Stitch from Lilo and Stitch.

I mean, Lilo's totally invited too. I want to build miniature cities and destroy them and then practice our Elvis impressions together. Oh, and I want to gloat to my friends that I went on a date with a six-armed alien. Those Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome stories aren't going to cut it anymore, ladies.

5.) Cyclops from X-Men.

I don't know. I know all X-men girls seem to be Wolverine fans. Every now and then you get the odd Iceman or Nightcrawler fan. Cyclops has ALWAYS been my dream man, even before he was played by James Marsden (HOT HOT HOT) in the X-men movies. I don't know how we'd handle the whole must-wear-sunglasses thing. Superglue his shades to his head or play Corey Hart's "I Wear My Sunglasses At Night" nonstop, I imagine.

4.) Jean Grey (Phoenix) from X-men.

I was a fan of Jean Grey ever since she was Marvel Girl. Let's be clear: not only is she incredibly hot, she's also incredibly talented. I don't just want to date her. I want to marry her. Partly because I'm lazy, and it would be awesomely useful to have her pass me the remote or a beer with her mind.

3.) Kaylee from Firefly.

Because a.) she's a-freaking-dorable, b.) she's got the greatest dialect imaginable, and c.) I feel like she could walk around my house and randomly fix everything that's broken.

2.) Robin Hood, Disney version.

He can sing. He can swordfight. He's great with kids. He can shoot a bow and arrow with the best of them and he robs from the rich to give to the poor. Oh yeah, and he's a fox with a pseudo-British accent. WIN.

1.) Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show.

I just want them to sit and heckle our entire date.

It would be an honor. An honor.


Brent Wescott said...

I'm reading along, reading along, thinking, "Oh, these are clever choices. Stitch? how fun if he doesn't eat you. Robin Hood? Disney's Robin Hood? What did you grow up watching, Nicki?"

Then Statler and Waldorf? Just the best, most well-timed Muppet reference I've been waiting to get from you, Nicki. Made me laugh out loud. Awesomesauce.

Thanks for hosting Nicki, so I could find the Jumble Mash.

Mary A. said...

Hi! First time JM-er, long time Niki Fan.

Totally staling this concept for my own blog. Rest assured my dates will include Spock, Tuco from The Good, the Bad & The Ugly and of course, Jack Sparrow. How pedantic. I DON'T CARE.

loved this!

dbs said...

You may have just resurrected my crush on Miss Piggy.
P.S. Hilarious.

Oilfield Trash said...

I would pay good money to sit, watch, and listen to date #1 with Statler and Waldorf. They crack me up.

Great post!!!

lyndylou said...

Stitch would be a brilliant date, he is one of my favourites and Sean Connery as Indie's dad........mmmmm yummy Scotsman and a fellow countryman to boot, whats not to love?

Chanel said...

I think Cyclops is pretty cute...but you called me out. I've always been a Nightcrawler fan. (By the way, why did the movies leave out the fact that Mystique was Nightcrawler's mother? And Rogue's? And that they were half siblings? Am I the ONLY ONE who cares about this?) I think it's the blue skin that makes him so endearing. Also the teleportation thing is pretty cool.

Also, Robin Hood...I watched that movie so many times as a kid the tape broke and mom had to buy a new one.

And I love the Ewoks, too. I don't care who doesn't agree. They were adorable.

VandyJ said...

Love your choices. I have the Muppet Show on DVD--the boys love it and it is semi adult TV--better than Bob the Builder or Thomas.

Danger Boy said...

Ok, so maybe I fail at spandex...but I totally burst out into spontaneous song. No kidding.
And I agree on the Kaylee thing. A lot.

Willow said...

Helllooooo!!! I LOVE FICTIONAL MEN! Lets see, I'm a lover of dead sparkley vampires, shape shifting wolf boys, a CSI Criminal Profiler named Derek Morgan, one boy Wizard, Han Solo, and Daredevil. Bring me my mythical men!

AmberLaShell said...

I would totally get into a great threesome with the two x-men characters... now off to dream...

AmberLaShell Rants

GotThatSwing said...

I'm sorry but MacGyver is mine ;D

becca said...

love your list

SkippyMom said...

Oh lordy this was funny!

I lost a bit at the end - but the ewok thing is going to have me smiling for a week.

Nicely done.

Nicole said...

Fun, fun, all fun. But I'm 100% in with #7. He's the reason that's my face Indy movie. But, I don't want to exclude Indy from the party, and I *am* talking about *that* kind of date. Rowr.

Anonymous said...

Great guest post. An old friend and I used to be called Statler and Waldorf because that is exactly what we do when we go out in large crowds...luckily there were always guys around for when people overheard us and didn't agree with our assessment of them! haha. Great list!

Katsidhe said...

I never realized that you were such a geek, Nicki! This delights me beyond belief, and I'm even more convinced now that we should get married, my darling.~

ib said...

A wonderfully funny bit. I would like to share a word of caution with you. Jean Grey is indeed, smoking hot, but she will one day become Phoenix. She would then become a threat to your wellbeing. And, where the hell is Chuck Norris?????

On My Soapbox said...

You forgot Daniel Jackson or Teal'c from Stargate (yes, MacGyver's on there, too). ;-)

Ms Jenna said...

I will fight you for Johnny Storm

in bed with married women said...

Aw, man, your weren't kidding--you totally let your geek flag fly.

Anonymous said...

This was great! Now I am no geek and had no idea who have of these people are but you go ahead and let your geek flag fly after all I let my freak flag fly :D

Julie said...

love it Jumble Mash!!!! I'm so with you on on of the dates - Statler & Waldorf!! My kids always say i'm the heckler in the cheap seats!! Abd Stitch - what is the not to love about him!!!!

The Onion said...

No wonder I like the both of you. This post made me crack up, especially the Ewoks.

Except I can't tell what the hell they are saying...


BlackLOG said...

I've always been totally happy in my dating life because I sympathize with real men. They can't fight henchmen
I’m sure we would if it was in the script….

or rescue me from a thirty-foot burning building.
As a compromise how about a dramatically lit bungalow….?

They don't come with sound effects
Well we do…it’s just you don’t like the odour that accompany them…..

or catchy theme songs.
You would only get bored with the same tune….

They can't even pull off spandex.
It’s not the pulling it off that is the problem it’s the putting it on….and explaining to the nice police officer that Spandex is not just for super heroes….

SisterMerryHellish said...

The rest you can have, but you and I are going to throw down over Statler and Waldorf!

Jess said...

This post was awesome.

Anonymous said...

Those were some awesome choices!