I'm Brining Home a Baby Bumble Bee

Upon arriving to work this morning, I discovered that I had forgotten my office key. Which sucks. So I had to wait for someone else to get here so that I could get in. Luckily, I only had to wait a short time. A guy that I work with showed up about five minutes later and I was like, "Yay! I forgot my key! Can you let me in?" He started laughing and said, "I forgot mine, too, but I think it may be in my truck." And being the good citizen that I am, I volunteered to walk back to the parking lot with him. He's a gentleman in his mid-thirties and what I would call a "redneck." And yes, it's relevant, because it will play later in the story.

Anyways, as we were walking back towards the office building, I heard a buzzing sound by my ear. I quickly swatted whatever insect it was away and continued our morning conversation. Soon, the buzzing noise returned. By this time I was swatting rapidly at the air and my co-worker was looking at me like I'd lost my mind. Then I said, "I think there is a bee following me," which got my co-worker's attention really fast.

His face turned into a horrified twist of fear and embarrassment as he searched for the bee. Then he was all like, "OMG, it is a hornet. THEY.WILL.KILL.YOU." And I started to laugh, but then he started to run so I thought it was probably a good idea to run.

What happened next surprised me. I turned around and saw that this HUGE bee was indeed chasing us and trying to kill me. Apparently, hornets are pretty known for chasing people. Who knew? But then, as I was starting to pass my co-worker to get inside, he ELBOWED ME! I kid you not. He straight up elbowed me so that I couldn't get ahead of him. I know for a fact that this man goes to Colorado every year to hunt elk, and he regularly hunts wild boar. He hunts WILD BORE and was not only running from a bee, but also making sure I couldn't get ahead of him. I could almost hear his thoughts. "I only have to run faster than her, not the bee."

As he ran inside, he didn't even hold the door for me. So when I grabbed a hold of it, the evil hornet landed right on my hand and stung me. And let me tell you, it freakin' hurt. I swatted it away and stomped on it when it fell to the ground. Almost as soon as I got inside, my hand started swelling. My fingers throbbed and the sting sight burned to no end. The cowardly co-worker stood there panting and staring at me while I fought back tears. I looked at him and said, "Am I really going to die? Will the bee sting kill me?"

Co-worker: What? No.

Me: You said that hornets will kill me.

Co-worker: Not literally.

Me: {Gives best angry face} Just wait until I tell everyone about this.

Then he quickly denied ever elbowing me. But my hand is all swollen (this was difficult to type, by the way) and everyone keeps asking me what happened. Then I tell them about the big strong man that left me to get eaten by the crazed bee.

P.S. I realize that I drew a bumble bee instead of a hornet. That's because I don't know how to draw hornets.

Gender Swap

Um, some adult content. I guess?

Sometimes, I really worry about my boyfriend and me. We have some pretty bizarre conversations and sometimes I think we are too close. Like after I had my surgery, he had to stand in the bathroom with me and run water and sing so that I could pee. Weird, but true.

The following conversation proves my point further. (We were playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii, so this was completely out of the blue.)

Me: What would you do if we were given the opportunity to swap bodies for a day?

Boyfriend: Have sex.

Me: What? I don't think I like that. You would be using my body to have sex with someone.

Boyfriend: But if you had my body, we could just have sex with each other.

Me: Oh. Yeah, good idea. I really want to know what it feels like for a guy.

Boyfriend: You wouldn't be disappointed.

Me: So what else?

Boyfriend: Play with my/your boobs.

Me: No you wouldn't.

Boyfriend: Yes. I would.

Me: Do you see a lot of women walking around playing with their own boobs?

Boyfriend: Well, no.

Me: That's because it's not that exciting.

Boyfriend:  Ok, then what would you do?

Me: Pee standing up.

Boyfriend: What?

Me: Yeah, it would be so cool not to have to pull down your pants every time you had to pee.

Boyfriend: Oh, I didn't think about that. Maybe I don't want to be in your body for a day. What if you are on your period that day?

Me: You would probably die of pain.

Boyfriend: You don't think I could handle it?

Me: Nope.

Boyfriend: Oh, I totally could. And I could probably do it without complaining. Do you want to make a bet?

Me: {Stops and looks at him} You do know that we can't actually go through with this right?

Boyfriend: {Makes a really disappointed face. At himself or at the fact that we cannot actually switch bodies? I'll never know.} But if we could, I could totally handle it.

Me: Of course you could, baby. Of course you could. {totally lying}

There is a leak

It's been a long time since I've had the privilege of hanging out with my roommates without our significant others hanging around. So last night was a special treat. We ordered pizza and ordered a couple of movies and mixed a couple of strawberry daiquiris. Our significant others were all out working hard, trying to make a living while we watched Youth in Revolt and got tipsy. Life isn't fair, sometimes.

With a daiquiri in hand, I reclined my chair and then sat Indian Style so that my dog could sit on the foot rest. He always does this. It's our thing. About a minute later, my dog jumped in surprise and looked at me as if I had just smacked him. We stared at each other for a second and then he jumped again, only this time he jumped off of the chair.

I thought that maybe a bee had stung him, or a wayward flee had bit him.  He went to sit on the other side of the living room and just kept watching me. I'm pretty sure he thought that I had done the stinging. I tried to talk to him, but sometimes there is just no reasoning with him. He is very stubborn. (Yes, I do treat my dog like a human.)

Then a couple seconds later I heard what sounded like a cat clawing at my seat. Except we don't have a cat. So then I thought, OMG it's a bug! I jumped out of my seat and joined my dog on the other side of the living room. He looked up at me and I swear he laughed. By this time, my roommates were wondering what the hell was going on, but I didn't have an answer for them, so I just watched the chair and waited for the bug/invisible cat to strike again.

That's when I saw it. Water was slowly dripping from my ceiling onto my recliner. Once I saw what it was, I realized that it hadn't sounded like a cat clawing the chair at all. I put down my strawberry daiquiri, because apparently, they were stronger than I thought. I stood up on the chair and poked the ceiling, because I'm a genius. Water started flowing rapidly down my arm and onto my head. I stood back and watched as the leak became more severe.

My roommate ran and got a mop bucket to collect the water, while my other roommate called the landlord. While we stood there and watched, what had been a leak was quickly turning into a down pour in our living room. The bucket filled up quickly and my poor recliner was pretty much soaked.

Me: Is it raining outside?

Roommate: We are on the bottom floor!!

Me: {Doesn't understand and apparently the expression on my face says as much.}

Roommate: {Rolls her eyes} Just go check the apartment above us.

I ran out the door and up the stairs to the apartment that uses some of our ceiling as a floor. I knocked on the door and waited. No one came, so I knocked some more. And then some more. Then I lay down on the floor and started kicking the door because my fist were tired. Eventually my landlord came up the stairs with a key in his hand. I followed him into the apartment only to find that the kitchen was completely flooded and the sink was still on.

We immediately went to action. Landlord turned the sink off while I started scooping up water....in my hands and then dumping it into the overflowed sink. Because I'm a genius.

Landlord: Just go see if Neighbor is okay!

I waded through the water until I reached the hallway where the water was soaked heavily into the carpet and leaking onto the bathroom floor. I opened the bathroom door fully to find my neighbor sleeping on the toilet. (Now this is where I should tell you that this guy is in his thirties maybe, so I wasn't worried about heart attacks or what not-and was still slightly intoxicated) I covered his junk up with a towel and then started slapping him lightly in the face. I was all, "Neighbor, wake up! You are flooding the whole building!"

He groggily groaned and tried to push me away, but I wasn't about to let it go that easily. So I went into the kitchen and got a bowl of water. Then I marched back into the bathroom and dumped it on him. He jumped right off of that toilet! Cold water never fails waking someone up. I was laughing hysterically. Soaking wet, he looked at me and was like, "Why in the hell are in you in my apartment?"

Me: Please, pull your pants up.

Neighbor: {Looks down and then blushes}

Me: You are flooding the entire building. My recliner and my dog are soaking wet because of you! You left your sink on!

Neighbor: Oh shit!

Then he ran out of the bathroom to see his kitchen. He did exactly what I did. He started scooping up the water with his hands.

Me: Oh, you are drunk, I see.

Neighbor: {Looks at me with an irritated expression}

Me: Hey, I'm not judging. I am feeling pretty drunk myself. Now let's say we clean this water up and then go make some margaritas. Huh?

Landlord: {Shakes his head } I've called my son for help. We will get this water cleaned up soon. Why don't you two go somewhere else?

Neighbor and I looked at each other and shrugged. Then we went downstairs to my apartment and made margaritas, because those daiquiris were just too strong.

P.S. Turns out he was getting ready to do dishes, but decided he should poop first. But he passed out and didn't get to do either.

P.P.S.  I think we are going to my lifelong BFF's now. My neighbor and me. If he stops vacuuming his apartment at 1:00 in the morning.

Emancipation Proclamation

Ok, don't hurt me, but I just have to recommend this Twilight Fan Fic.  It's called Emancipation Proclamation and it's absolutely freaking incredible. I'm actually fairly certain that I liked it better than Twilight. But then again, that's not fair because it really has nothing to do with Vampires and Werewolves. In fact, everyone in Emancipation Proclamation is human. Promise. The only thing that links it with Twilight are the characters.

It's a great story about a girl who was born into slavery and is purchased by a wealthy family. The father of said family just so happens to be in the Italian Mob and purchased the slave girl for a very particular reason. This story if full of unexpected twists and turns. It absolutely keeps you begging for more. It's full of romance, hurt, action, and suspense. It's also full of adult content so please, only read if you are 18+.

I'm honestly not trying to to just pimp this story out. The author, Kharrizmatik, needs no pimping. She has thousands of readers and if you aren't hooked by the first couple of chapters, then you'll never be.


P.S. For the record, I do like Twilight and am not afraid to admit it, but I know everyone is getting sick of hearing about Twilight, so that's why I wanted to make sure everyone knows this really is nothing like it.

Puppies Make Everything Better

At my job, I put up with a lot of crap. I work in a male dominate office and they are very lazy and mostly helpless. Some will even ask me to mail letters for them because they can't figure out how to work the postage machine. (It's very easy.)

BUT...there are four women, including me, that work there, and one of those women makes my life hell. It's pretty much a known fact that the more women you have in your workplace, the more gossip and animosity there is. Which I completely agree upon, because with just the few of us, it can get pretty ugly. The two that don't bother me so much are old ladies who have grand children and great grandchildren, so they are pretty much over the petty bull crap. But there is always a bad seed. She is in her thirties and NOT MY BOSS. Let me repeat, she is NOT MY BOSS.

When I had boyfriend in the hospital, she called my personal cell phone at 7:00 in the morning and yelled at me because I couldn't make it to work. I'm not even supposed to be at work until 8:00. She claimed that she had too much work to do to watch the telephone lines for me and then DEMANDED that I call her ASAP and let her know when I'd be in.

I said, "Don't wait on the call. Boyfriend trumps job."

She said, Click. Yeah, I don't think she liked that too well.

Anyways, so the next day I went to work only to find about 50 post it notes stuck to my computer monitor with one chore on each.

Things that she could have done with ease. But, being the nice gal that I am, I completed all the necessary tasks and then put all the pointless tasks back in her mailbox. If she wants to order phone books for every person in the office, than she is more than welcome. I ain't doin' it.  Then I checked the main phone line and saw that only twenty calls had come in during a ten hour period. In other words, it was a slow day.

Upon filling her mailbox with post it notes, I realized that she had beat me to the mailbox-filling punch. My entire mailbox was full of fax cover sheets that came through the machine all day and junk mail (catalogs, magazines, etc). Seriously. This woman is an adult. And I know it was her, because no one else steps foot in the mail room. I grabbed all of the paper and threw it into the recycling bin and marched down the hallway to her office. That's when I discovered that she wasn't there. So I went to her boss' office and was told that she had called off.  And let me be the first to tell you, if I would have had her cell phone number,  you bet your ass I would have called and yelled at her.

Finally, I turned my computer on, only to find that it was flooded with junk mail from her. Forwards mostly, but some were emails that said unimportant things along the lines of, "I put the mail away today." Whoop De Do!

At this point, I was frustrated, so I went to my boss' office. I explained to my boss what she had done and told her that I didn't want to get my co-worker in trouble, I just didn't want her to come back and say that I hadn't finished my work or something. My boss then informed me that my co-worker had left early the day I called off and didn't answer the phones.

So she was so busy that she felt the need to call me on my cell phone and yell at me, but it was perfectly okay for her to leave early. And she didn't even answer the phones! Then later that day, I checked my Facebook and saw that she was shopping all day with her sister at the outlet mall. Really? Needless to say, I was angry and ready for revenge.

I was so ready to see her the next morning. I had a speech all prepared and was going be all like,

"Listen, BIATCH, you are not my boss and you DO NOT get to call my cell phone and yell at me because you cannot handle your own work load. I was in the hospital with my boyfriend, not out shopping with my sister! Oh and by the way, I told on you! So ha!"

Yes. I was ready. I even got to work early so I'd be there when she walked in.

As soon as I saw her, I stood up from my desk and waited for her to get through the main doors. Then she smiled brightly and was like, "My dog had puppies! Do you want to see the pictures?!"

And I was all like, "YEAH!"

Then we bonded over cute puppies and stories about our dogs.

I'm such a push over.

Philosophy. Or Whatever.

I believe that some people should be given the authority to slap the shit out of stupid people. It would make the world a better place.

I believe that Facebook and Myspace cause unnecessary problems in relationships.

I believe that I should be the only one allowed to have a driver's license.

I believe that when someone does something nice for you, they are up to something.

I believe that when I get presents for no reason at all, the gift giver has done something I'm really not going to like.

I believe that people who talk behind your back are afraid of you.

I believe that from now on, when someone complains that I don't visit them, I am going to hand them a map to my house.

I believe that if you interrupt my sleep, you are 100% responsible for the foul mood that you have created and should be on call for whenever I need to yell at someone.

I believe that when someone is mad at you, you should laugh at them for wasted effort, because who really gives a shit?

I believe that everyone who tells you to speak your mind has really innocent thoughts.

I believe that anyone who abuses animals and/or children should be executed by the firing squad. Just saying.

I believe when you buy a brand new car and spend thousands of dollars, you should not have to pay for oil changes.

I believe that my landlord should provide an optional cleaning crew.

I believe that there is a reasonable explanation for this post. I just don't know what it is.

Bad, bad weekend.

I had a pretty horrific weekend. And I'm tired. And I'm cranky. So forgive me, but this post may not be excellent. You may even want to skip it.

My boyfriend has been running a fever since Thursday, so Friday night I ended up taking him to the doctor. They said he had strep throat and gave him some antibiotics and sent us packing. Well, by Sunday, he still didn't feel well and his temperature reached 102.8. Which is bad.

So I took him to the Emergency Room and we all know how Emergency Room visits can be. Long and painful. They immediately hooked him up to IV's and put him on fluids because he was really dehydrated. Then they put him on an IV of antibiotics. Then, they took a bunch of blood. Then they took a urine sample. No one seemed to know what poor boyfriend had and his temperature still wouldn't come down.

So at 2:30 Sunday morning, the ER doctor tells him that he has to stay overnight. Well, duh, we'd already been there "overnight."

At 3:30 a.m., we finally get to his room and we are completely exhausted. Boyfriend especially. About twenty minutes later, they took him temperature again and it had come down to 99 degrees. Victory! It should have been time to sleep.

BUT his parents wouldn't leave. I was ready to throw a sleep deprived tantrum. Finally at about 5:00 am, they decided to go home. I ran down the hall and got a blanket from the nurses station and curled up in a chair next to boyfriend's bed. I was so ready to sleep, I could barely form a coherent sentence. I'm all like "Blanky, pleaz." And the nurse looked at me real funny, but then gave me one of those sympathetic looks that really mean, "Oh, this poor girl is so pathetic. I'll give her a warm blanket."

At 7:00 a.m. we were abruptly awoken from our sleeps by a nurse carrying a cart around to check vital signs. And then they had to draw more blood. And then boyfriend had to urinate, but we couldn't figure out how to get his cords and wires unhooked, so I just carried all the machinery to the edge of the bathroom door and sat it down. Luckily, the wires were long enough to reach.

I was standing outside the bathroom door waiting for him to finish when one of the machines suddenly starts to beep. I look down and it says his heart rate is 0 and he is flat lining.

I pull the bathroom door open with all my heart and soul only to find my boyfriend standing there taking a piss. I looked at the machine, then looked at him, then back at the machine.

Me: You're alive!

Boyfriend: Yep.

Me: Why does the machine say you don't have a heartbeat?

Boyfriend: Oh I took that thing off my finger so I could pee. Now, can I finish?

Me: {clears throat} Oh, yeah, um, sorry.

The greatest thing about his fake heart failure was that the machine went off for a good five minutes and NO ONE EVER CAME TO CHECK ON HIM! Seriously. Not a soul thought that his non-beating heart was a big deal.

By that time, sleep was out of the question. I couldn't rely on nurses who wouldn't come in to save him if I fell asleep. Even if I wanted to go back to sleep, it would have been impossible, because ten minutes later, his mother walked in. Yay.

Finally, the doctor came in around 11:00 am and told him that he had some disease that can best be described as shingles in the throat, although it isn't shingles. WTF?

His temperature was remaining low and they said he could go home. Then I had to argue with his mother that I could take him home and I could indeed care for him like I had been for the past 4 days. (although he did wind up in the hospital after my care, but come on, that wasn't my fault)

After winning the argument, I got him home and immediately fell on the bed and crashed for about four hours. When I woke up, he wasn't beside me. I jumped up while my heart was trying to beat its way out of my chest and ran into the living room. There he was sitting in the recliner watching cartoons and eating CoCo Wheats. He looked so much better! I ran over to him and gave him a hug. Little did I know that he had taken my cell phone so I wouldn't be disturbed and when I hugged him, I nudged my phone off of the chair arm and into his glass of ice water. Because, I'm that lucky.

When I got in my car this morning, the maintenance light was on and I realized my tags were dead.

I'm going to the DMV to get new tags, going to get my oil changed and I get a new phone today, hopefully. And boyfriend is starting to feel better. So hopefully, this week turns around. If not, I may be in the psych ward soon. I'll leave an address so you can write me.