Upon driving through treacherous weather conditions the other day, I came home to realize that the only one that cared if I made it home safely was my dog, Bowen. I don’t think he actually knew the roads were bad, but he was COMPLETELY thrilled to see me. (Ok, maybe he is every day, but that doesn’t matter. Shut up.)
So I texted Boyfriend and said, “I made it home. Don’t worry.”
His response? “I wasn’t worried.”
Me: Well thanks a billion.
BF: I trust your driving skills.
Me: Bullshit. I could have been stuck in a ditch somewhere and no one would have ever known. Except Bowen and he can’t even call anybody to let them know I’m missing.
BF: Don’t be silly, I would know if you were missing.
Me: It would be too late then.
We left it at that, and when he got home, we sat down for some tomato soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. Then he brought the subject up again.
BF: Seriously, honey, I do worry about you. I figured if something happened, you would call.
Me: How would I call if I got into a car wreck and died? Or worse, got hurt really bad or became paralyzed? Or lost an arm, a leg, or even both legs and both arms?
BF: You would rather die?
Me: Of course. I value my life, but I do not want to be paralyzed. But with my luck, I’d end up with third degree burns all over my body, paralyzed, or I’ll have smashed my brain and they will have had to do brain surgery on me and my hair would never grow back and I would have a huge scar across my forehead forever. I will be shown no mercy.
Me: Not that I’m vain. I could live with the scar and I could buy a wig. Holy crap, what if I wreck and no one finds me and then coyotes break into my car and eat my heart because I’m trapped under the steering wheel. I would be eaten alive before anyone would even know I was missing.
BF: Coyotes won’t break into your car and eat your heart.
Me: You don’t know.
BF: You’re right, I don’t.
Me: And if I get in a wreck because of the freakin’ snow, I want you to kill it.
BF: Kill the snow?
BF: Alright, I will kill the snow.
Me: Thank you. That’s all I ask.