Saturday, December 18, 2010

Coyotes may or may not eat my heart

Upon driving through treacherous weather conditions the other day, I came home to realize that the only one that cared if I made it home safely was my dog, Bowen. I don’t think he actually knew the roads were bad, but he was COMPLETELY thrilled to see me. (Ok, maybe he is every day, but that doesn’t matter. Shut up.)

So I texted Boyfriend and said, “I made it home. Don’t worry.”

His response? “I wasn’t worried.”

Me: Well thanks a billion.

BF: I trust your driving skills.

Me: Bullshit. I could have been stuck in a ditch somewhere and no one would have ever known. Except Bowen and he can’t even call anybody to let them know I’m missing.

BF: Don’t be silly, I would know if you were missing.

Me: It would be too late then.

We left it at that, and when he got home, we sat down for some tomato soup and grilled cheeses for dinner. Then he brought the subject up again.

BF: Seriously, honey, I do worry about you. I figured if something happened, you would call.

Me: How would I call if I got into a car wreck and died? Or worse, got hurt really bad or became paralyzed? Or lost an arm, a leg, or even both legs and both arms?

BF: You would rather die?

Me: Of course. I value my life, but I do not want to be paralyzed. But with my luck, I’d end up with third degree burns all over my body, paralyzed, or I’ll have smashed my brain and they will have had to do brain surgery on me and my hair would never grow back and I would have a huge scar across my forehead forever. I will be shown no mercy.

BF: ....

Me: Not that I’m vain. I could live with the scar and I could buy a wig. Holy crap, what if I wreck and no one finds me and then coyotes break into my car and eat my heart because I’m trapped under the steering wheel. I would be eaten alive before anyone would even know I was missing.

BF: Coyotes won’t break into your car and eat your heart.

Me: You don’t know.

BF: You’re right, I don’t.

Me: And if I get in a wreck because of the freakin’ snow, I want you to kill it.

BF: Kill the snow?

Me: Yes.

BF: Alright, I will kill the snow.

Me: Thank you. That’s all I ask.


Anonymous said...

Haha. That's adorable. I want a guy to kill snow for me!

I often think things like that...who would know? Who would find me? I let my mind think up ridiculous situations and that's when my family just looks at me and says, "We may be better off if they did eat your heart...because you are crazy!" ahhh...I love them.

caterpillar said...'ve got amazing foresight, must say...:P I'm sure Boy Friend will take care of the snow... :)

Bouncin' Barb said...

Now that's true love. Anyone willing to kill the snow for you is definitely a keeper.

Bursts of Bubbles said...

Oh that sounds so awful but at least he's willing to kill the snow... maybe he could kill the snow before any of this happens.

In my situation I'd be on a main road so passer bys would notice me but they would probably rob me rather then help... even though I don't have anything to take :|

Uninspired Blogger said...

No comment. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this conversation

Mynx said...

JM you are so totally awesome nd so is boyfriend. Hope he kills the coyote that eats your heart too

twilightgazing said...

Oh that is just too funny. Thank you for the Sunday morning giggles.

Tress said...

@Jewels-Haha....well you can join my club them, because I usually think of some pretty crazy situations that probably have never ever happened to anyone.

@Caterpillar- Thank you much! And he better :)

@Barb- Ya think so? I've kinda figured that from the beginning!

@Bubbles- OMG I didn't even think about anybody robbing me! I'll have to add that to my list!

@Uninspired- Fair enough:)

@Mynx- Aw shucks :) Thank you and yeah I should have asked him to kill the coyotes but killing the snow seemed more logical at the time.

@Twilight-You are very welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed.

Teresa - in the Middle Side of Life said...

LOL - that is too funny!

becca said...

haha just like a man and thank you for the help with the button

Dad said...

Hold on for a minute....I'm absolutely sure I called to make sure you made it home safe...and you know I would hunt down that friggin' coyote and get your heart back and make a foot warmer for you from it's hide...I need to Google to see how to kill snow...that a new one :-)

ib said...

One should not kill snow. Have you ever seen "Horton Hears a Who". Horton heard a Who that lived on a spec that sat on a flower. Instead of a snow flake, boyfriend could be slaughtering a civilization of Who's. Just because you can't see them or hear them does not mean that they are not there, you savage.

As for heart eating coyotes.... Everybody knows that if you eat the heart of the coyote that is responsible for your being turned into a.. wait, my bad, I'm thinking of werewolves. Never mind.

Tress said...

@Teresa- Thank you!

@Becca- No problem! It turned out great!

@Dad- No...the day I am speaking of no one called me. It was depressing. :) And yeah, Boyfriend may need help killing the snow so if you have a guide that would be great.

@IB- Hahaha...if I say that's a chance I'm willing to take would you hate me forever? If so..then never mind. :)

steph c said...

Heh. Love this.

I had to drive home during a serious monsoon over the summer, where the car was really more of a boat and I was pretty much hydro planing the whole way home. Anyway, I kept thinking "Doesn't fiancé care about me? He'll call any minute. He should call and worry that I won't make it home!"

I got home and he didn't even know it was raining. Jerk. ;)

Glad you made it back ok too!

ib said...

Tress, if that is the path that you choose to travel, then so be it, but remember, blood that shall be spilled will be on your hands.

Tress said...

@Steph- Well I'm glad someone understands me:) And I'm glad you made it home safely from the monsoon.

@Ib- Ok, I feel guilty already. I'll spare the snow.

Mrs. Hyde said...

Hello?! Killing the snow is the LEAST he could do!

ib said...

Snow killer!!!!!!!!

Jess said...

Your conversations with BF remind me of my conversations with Hubs. Ridiculous, completely irrational and absolutely fabulous.

Jimmy said...

I'd kill the snow for my wife too, and the coyotes are scared of car wrecks so if you get into one they will be the least of your worries Ha ha

Loved this one :)

Tress said...

@Mrs. Hyde- I know, right?!?

@IB- How about we make a deal? I won't kill the snow if you follow me around and make sure coyotes don't eat my heart?

@Jess- I love that description. I mean, I just think we're crazy sometimes, but Ridiculous, Completely Irrational and Absolutely Fabulous works much much better.

@Jimmy- Aw! I'm glad you would kill the snow for your wife! Too cute! And seriously? Are they really afraid of car wrecks because THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

amchornetgirl said...

Awesome! I must make sure my hubs would be willing to kill the snow for me too!

amchornetgirl said...

Awesome! I must make sure my hubs would be willing to kill the snow for me too!

Krissy said...

Girl, you are a trip! I love this line, "I will be shown no mercy." LMAO, here! I swear I don't think your posts have been showing up in my Reader. I'm going to kill it for you, since it apparently doesn't care if you are safe. :) I care! And I love the name Bowen, btw.