Monday, September 13, 2010

I Have A Guest Week: Cynicism isn't an Option...It's a lifestyle

So this week, I have asked 5 fellow blogging ladies to help me. I asked them each to be a guest blogger and their only restrictions where that they had to choose one of the following 5 topics to write about.

1. Marriage/Relationships
2. Food Recipe
3. Book Review
4. A Funny Story About Yourself
5. A Bucket List

To my pure delight, they have chosen to participate in my "I Have A Guest" week. First up, Molly from Cynicism isn't an Option...It's a lifestyle.

She has chosen topic number 4. A funny story (stories in this case) about yourself. Enjoy!

Moron is Spelled M-O-L-L-Y

It's not easy when the Fate Fairy has made you her official pet ("Dance, monkey, dance!"), but a combination of her patronage and an abominable lack of common sense will result in occurrences that will both entertain your therapist's friends for hours at her dinner parties, and find you rocking back and forth and chewing on your own hair in the middle of the night as those events play back in slow motion through your mind, complete with cackling laughter from imaginary judges.

Please regard the following incidents as tales of caution. I'm sure that most of you are not mentally-challenged socially inept brain-dead enough to do this stuff. Fortunately, for your entertainment purposes, I am.

1. Don't honk indignantly at someone who is slowly jaywalking at a busy intersection to try and speed them up in order for you to hasten home to your tantalizing 'Stouffer's Dinner for One'. That person might be older than Methuselah. That person might also fall over, look up at you with Bambi eyes, and make you feel like the biggest arsehole ever to walk the planet. You will spend looooonnggg nights wondering if you have caused the old fossil mental anguish, and experience an overwhelming desire to don sackcloth and ashes for purposes of atonement.

2. Don't absentmindedly rest your cigarette on your iPhone whilst you are hoisting your gimpy dog up onto the couch. It will burn the screen, leaving an amber discoloration, transforming your most prized possession into officially the most white-trash thing that you own... apart from the 6" platform knee high boots... but we don't need to talk about those...

3. Don't lock up the office for the night and assume you are the only smoker remaining in the building. There is a good chance that you will lock your coworker outside on the balcony, causing him to yell down at you in the parking lot, identifying you as a ditz to the rest of your coworkers, and causing the coworker that you locked out there to have a 'Close Encounter of the Brown Pants Kind' because he doesn't have his cell phone on him to call for help.

4. Don't briefly correct a spelling error that someone has pointed out to you on your blog during work hours, and answer the phone whilst you are still thinking about it. You will answer the phone, "Good afternoon, thank you for calling 'Life of Cynicism', how can I help it?" You will feel and sound like a complete dipshit, and you can't hit 'delete' on a telephone conversation.

5. When asked for the time by a man attending a conference in your office, don't grab your boobs. There is no reason to grope your own breasts in this situation. You are not a nurse, so you don't have a watch on a pin there. The thing you are looking for is your computer - it has the time right there on the screen. Or just throw caution to the wind, go hog-wild, and look at the clock above the enquirer's head. Your nipples can't tell the time - as perky as they may be, they are not the arms of a sundial, and honking your own hooters in the office will have a twofold reaction:

1. You will feel as though you are going to expire from sheer embarrassment, and
2. The man in question won't be able to take his eyes off your tits for the rest of the day. If his pupils were superglued to your brassiere, they couldn't spend any more time there.

6. Don't lock your front door at night and forget to unlock it in the morning, especially when you don't have a key.When you get home for lunch, you will find yourself locked out, and also discover that you have been more diligent than usual in locking all your windows. In jumping over the back fence, you will fall off the brick you are using as a step ladder and scrape your forehead, knees and elbows on the wall.It will look as though you have been in a car accident, when the sad truth is that you have the grace and poise of Goofy. Oh, and when you manage to get into the house, remember to unlock the door before you leave. That way, you won't be doing this all over again at 5pm when you find yourself in the same position you were at lunchtime.

I'm going to see if I can get through today without doing something utterly brainless. If I were a betting man (and I am neither), I would stake my entire fortune ($54.21) on my inability to function as a normal human being for the next 24 hour period. A friend once said to me, "You're the dumbest smart person I know". I think that's a fair summation.

Molly, out.

Admin Note: Freaking hilarious right? Molly is sure to check her out.


Molly Malone said...

I continue to be honored my friend - thank you!

TeamJazz1 said...

Great post! I'm on my way to her blog now! I love finding new blogs. Yay.

Jess said...

Cute and funny!

Miss Innocent said...

hhahahahaha... yes jumble hilarious indeed.

kudos to you molly.

thanks for making me feel BETTER. ;)

knowing that your days have been worst than i had.. lol

Admin said...

You are very welcome Molly!